_ Monday, February 13, 2012 ;

So.. it took me a month and 5 days to feel like writing and wanting to continue my left off post.. I dun have a really legit reason for that one month.. besides the fact that it was towards the end of my assignment so I had something to do everyday.. :X

The five days? Well, gaming, sleep, stay up, gaming, sleep.. you get the idea.. lol. Basically, gaming all I can because I didn't game that much since the start of the year. Anyway, onto the post yea..? Where did I stop at?

Instead, I had went back to Netball for one week, fell horribly ill for one week, had a first taste at something that was leading up to a relationship, had a first time spending New Year's eve outside, had a even more horrible time rushing for things, had a long period to think about certain matters, had run away from issues that I dislike and had regrets so early in the year.

So what's left is first taste, rushing things, long period, running away and regrets.

Well, rushing things.. Let's say that I left my only-holiday-assignment towards the end. And the three skill test for a chance to go overseas internship and a story to craft. Anyway the last week of my holiday, I was sick, rushing for things and was in the middle of emotional turmoil.

Emotional turmoil cuz I met and gotten close with a guy over my online game and skype. We met up for the first time during the preparation of a offline race with my brother and two other friends. Then we had the race for an entire day. After that, I met him again.. and the two of us caught a film, MI 4 and had lunch. The last time we met was when it was two days before school re-opened.. He came for breakfast and accompanied me to the library while I did my work. My work took so long that I ended up having dinner with him too.. After the dinner, at home, he called and explained that he wanted to ask earlier but I went off before he could ask.. Yes, he asked if I wanted to go out with him.. you know, as a couple.

Well, before you go on gushing.. or wondering or anything.. it didn't turn out well.. It was really a bad time becuz like I say, I had assignments to rush and was sick. Anyway, it didn't turn out well cuz we are now like.. hardly talking, hardly interacting and I do feel guilty. He apologizes before like it's a bad thing to confess.. Which it isn't and I'm guilty that because of this.. He might be affected.

It's not that I'm not interested in him or anything but that's all I feel. I juz want to know him more, it's like curiosity. I'm curious at what is he like and I want to know him more. I'm curious about how dating is like and etc.. And I felt that it's not fair to him. He seems like he genuinely like me while I'm juz curious and probably leading him on.

Anyway I ran from him and this issue and after the initial rejection, I sorta dislike any contact by him and didn't reply him and juz avoided him online.

I know, wrong reaction, wrong actions and wrong decision but that's what I did during then and yes this is my regret. I regretted that I didn't handle it properly and this caused me to have a extremely large rift between us and the group of friends since I'm usually the one that links him to the group.

I also sorta feel guilty that this issue had caused another relationship(?) to turn for the worst..

Argh, I dunno how to fix things with him.. I'm really confused and lost and clueless on this matter. One thing is for certain though, it's too late to fix things and I really handled things wrongly... sigh.

As for the overseas internship, I got called back for an interview but I can say that the interview was a flop.. I was unprepared and generally knowledge-less and probably answered wrongly.. Oh well..

Ok, i'm getting depressed so I will continue my goal setting and elaborating at another time.

..:: left at 2:08 PM .

_ Thursday, January 12, 2012 ;

I'm late for a list of new year resolution.. but so many stuff has happened within that four weeks(?) Well, I will talk about that later.. First.. new year resolution.. my past year one.. let's take a look.

New Year Resolution 2011

take better care of my gum..lols(my gum seems to be sunken or smth..)
So.. i did well, try to brush my teeth more often.. Not too sure if it works but oh well..
hit level 100 for maple character(long way to go..)
Stopped maple after i hit 80+
Enjoy my course no matter wat i choose
I am looking for things to enjoy and i gotta say that I enjoyed second year more than first year.
roughly know wat do i want to do(rather lost now)
Learnt that web designing was fun and web coding isn't too bad. I still love writing stories and am not too bad at making interactive ones. Unity is fun (:
improve my skills of gunz ^^
Stopped Gunz after picking LoL
learn something new (besides the things that i have to learn)
I gotta say.. I did.. I actually had a lot of lessons on some issues this past year.
keep in contact with secondary sch frens ^^
Netballers, check. Well, it's harder to keep in contact with netballers but it's not too bad. As for the ladies, well, I will say a BIG THANK YOU to the people who made an effort to organise birthday celebrations.. (: That kept us in touch.. Cheers to another year of this :P
make new friends ^^ lols
Oh god.. when I wished for this.. i never expected that it will come true..in such a way.. Both online and real life.. i had made friends.. and while I won't say that they are no good.. there has been up and downs.
make my blog more active(?) lols
Failed this lol.. Probably one post per month or more if I'm dang angst-y.
finish things that i start
I have left many things undone..

So that's for the past year. And I have something to confess, I think I make new year resolutions and forget about them. Lols. So.... Since I have some knowledge as to how to modify a website... I'm gonna make a new column at the side to remind myself.. That's if I actually remember about it but yea. I'm gonna make it more prominent rather than just putting it in a post and forgetting all about it till the next year of jan. I will be updating my wishlist while I'm at it too.. Later, when I reach home.

Yea, I'm currently at the NP library..And cause I gotta head home soon.. Let's say that I will do my wishlist and new year resolution later.. I promise.. :X

For now, I had always wonder how can things happen at such a short time. In just four weeks, stuff happen.. so many stuff. Best part, I was looking forward to a quiet 2 week holiday break..

So yep ^that all happen in 15 days.. I know what you are thinking.. "why are you so busy?" My answer, "I'm sorry but I didn't go looking for them and I don't have a good reason to refuse them when they was about to happen."

Sigh. Even I feel tired when I'm about to recount them..

So, the easier things first k?

Yes, I went back to Netball... Got yelled at, can't say I didn't deserve it but it certainly has been a long time since I was yelled at. Lols. Nah, don't worry, I still love Netball.. Was really rushing work + sick and couldn't go for the second week. I enjoy the movement, the thinking that it needs, the adrenaline... now I only need the stamina to do more, as well as the motivation to obtain the said stamina. :X I did miss it though.. Not terribly but yes, I missed it. Thanks for inviting me back (:

Horribly Ill... hmm, was ill for about two weeks++, I had juz recently recovered.. About three days ago or so I think. I did, at some point of time, seemed to have seen blood... And that made me sad.. I had never felt that my body was not healthy.

Like recurring health problems, missing limbs or any disability and I'm really grateful for it. When I fall ill, which is rare, like probably once in three months or smth.. I recover quickly. I also have a more serious and longer bout of illness about one time out of three or smth.. But this time.. It was really bad. Like one of the worse ones.. And eating medicine didn't help much, I feel :/ It juz made me real sad..

To know that my health, well, I wouldn't say that it's failing... it's juz that it's another thing that I have to be aware of. Those who know me, also know that I eat what I want, do what I want, go where I want without a care of my health. Except when I'm sick.

So now, I probably should be more aware of my health.. like juz spare a thought of my health at certain times.. Make sure that I get enough sleep and dun push myself too hard to do all the things that I want to...Sigh.. it's juz another thing to add to my list of worries.

Next on the list... New Year's eve. I spent NYE with the ladies at Marina and let's say it will be my last time going to such a crowded place in a long long time. I rather stay at home. :X On the other hand, the company was nice (: and it has been a long time since I saw fireworks in person. But the crowds and the trip home is so not worth it :/

I will finish this post up later. Think it's time to head home.. it's 7pm though it doesn't feel like 7pm.. :X It's still so bright :O

..:: left at 6:32 PM .

_ Monday, December 19, 2011 ;

And so... it's December again..... How fast time flies... How amazing that so many stuff had happen in the span of 12 months..

I had my first overseas trip with the gals, my first uplifting sem results, found a new game that I'm currently still meshed to, stopped playing Netball (Though i'm returning to it tmr.. I'm SO gonna die...), went SPCA, got lost in the virtual world, learn a couple things in terms of the area of friends, met some amazing ppl, get to know some ppl with interesting situations, enjoy Maya, enjoy life (for a short moment)... Not a very good roundup but my memory is never good. I had always focus more on stuff that are fun and currently still happening.

So...the current new big news is that I finally bought our ps3 :D It's the old FFxiii Lightning edition one (: And it looks awesome :P Juz happy that I finally have it. Been playing ffxiii albeit a lil slowly but still playing. (Cuz i gotta wait for my bro, we play it together) I think it's been here about three weeks alrdy... Juz got resonance of fate, rune factory and ffxiii... we gotta wait awhile before spending again.

Anyway, that's all for the update in my life.. the rest of the post is to settle some matters in my mind. Okay.. maybe not settle but juz to write it out in this outlet...So shoo... unless u wanna read about what happened in my internet life..and dun mind walls of text-es lol..

It has been 6 or 7 months since I played League of Legends and met a group of friends. At first, it was amazing.. Or maybe the first experience or touch of the game was amazing. And nothing can compare to it... Yes, was... In that span of a few months, many things happen... Many incidents occur, different people argued with different people, different ppl left, new ppl came and some stayed, some left, different ppl sided with each other, while some switched sides... It is kinda tiring to have all of these happening.

And sometimes, in a fit of doubt, I gotta wonder.. during this journey, did I change too? Is it good? or bad? Did I make mistakes where if I didn't make them, the consequences would have been different? And I'm not talking about my game.. I meant me as a character..

I'm struggling to remain unique, to remain myself in my actions, thoughts and choices. And yes, it's truthfully very tiring to be struggling.

I am mentally tired for a long time.. I dun enjoy coming online as much as I used to do. I dun enjoy being on Skype as much as I used to do. And I'm clueless how to do so.

Recently, we had not been playing with em.. sorta avoiding her.. it's kinda tiring to play with her then deal with the aftermath.. so yea, not many ppl like to play with her and she likes to play with a premade team. Which is hard to find cuz like I say, not many ppl play with her.. It has gotten to the point where we stopped including her.. and well, today was the day where we told her our reasons...

I have no idea.. why does she sounds so defensive.. She doesn't really see that we have an issue with her that is on her... that didn't make sense.... We just want to play for the sake of playing, for the thrill of doing the best, for the laughter and etc.. I dunno....

Frankly, all I am now.. is missing playing with her, missing talking with her..

It might start when I am more interested in playing normal, in wanting to improve and custom and co-op have stopped being my place to practice. It's not that I can't improve there but it takes too long and frankly I don't have the patience for doing it.

She doesn't want to duo with me.. and when we actually go premade, we dun usually get good results and stuff happens.

So we drifted after that, there isn't much to talk about with someone who doesn't play the same match with u.. Isn't interested in hearing theory craft and is not patient enough to reply my qns.. basically isn't interested in playing teacher anymore..

And despite how I sound to Viva, I still miss her. I miss her presence... We might not be as close as real sisters but I feel like she is like an older sister.. someone that I look up to, someone that I will like to meet in real life and get to know..

Well, I guess I just missed playing with her. Just the two of us...But I gotta stop being selfish. I had my moments and memories playing with her. And like the first few weeks that I was introduced to the game and them.. It will just be like that. Just. Memories.

And I gotta stop being selfish in terms of refusing to let Viva tell her the real reason why we aren't playing with her. Just because I want to remain connected to her. Just cause I want to still be her friend.. I had caused both sides to remain stagnant.. and that isn't the way to go. We gotta settle this so both sides can move on.

So, I guess I will write this here. Since I will never get the chance to write it to her.. Or rather, I should never write it to her.

Thanks em, thank you for being my favorite playmate. Thank you for putting up with me when I'm unreasonable. Thank you for being there when I needed a listening ear. Thanks for the time you have spent teaching me. Thank you for picking up support role cause I main Ranged Ad. Thank you for spending the time and effort to point out my mistakes so I can improve. Thanks for the help you rendered when I ask. Thanks for following my crazy desires at times. Thank you for adapting to me so I can play the way I want to play. Thank you for changing certain things so I have an easier gameplay. Thanks for playing with me all that many hours.Thank you for the times where you will defend me.

You might have a series of unfortunate events and it has shaped you this way. But not everyone can take it and if you choose to remain firm in your beliefs and actions, I hope you can find people who will accept you for who you are. I have reached a point where I have gotten tired of dealing with the aftermath and that it does not exceed the fun part.So, I'm sorry that I'm leaving too. I apologise for coming in your life, making such a ruckus and leaving just like that. Lastly, I'm sorry that I can't adapt to you, I can't change my tolerance of certain matters for you and I am leaving in such a manner. Life is never easy or fair but if you continue to persevere, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will find days where you can truly be happy.

I'm glad that you came into my life and left such an interesting mark. I will always miss your support because you were my only constant support player. You might be leaving now but I still wish you good luck in everything you do. I hope that next time we meet as opponents or allies, I can show you how much I had improved. Arigatou and Sayonara.

I needed to write that out.. Feeling much more relieved after typing out that message. She might not get to see it but I had figured out what I should be grateful for. And I typed out everything that I will want to tell her.

I had fallen in this area with my heart and I can't seem to untangle it. While finding a way to remain aloof to these matters, I shall continue traveling this route with my heart and prayers that it will remain in a working condition. I might have this weariness hanging around me but I will strive to see the lightness, humor and optimism in each action I take. I will transform each incident into experiences and aim to become a better person from the journey of this route.

And it's 2am.. I'm suppose to meet jm at the bus stop opp Lakeside at 8.30-9am tmr.. I'm.So.Dead.... .____.

..:: left at 12:44 AM .