Ok, so I've been gone for a long time. To sum up very shortly of what had transpired since school reopened.

1)I have recently obtain muay thai as a cca. Whether it will stay is another matter..
2) My story writing is on a stand-still. Not of a lack of ideas but a lack of writing feel.
3) i'm actually enjoying all of my modules except for programming. Why Flash doesn't come to me easily? =.=
4) still drawing though it was on hold till recently again
5) Fell into a complicated trap by the game League Of Legends.
6)Made friends (with the courtesy of my bro) through the prev game
7) had an incident that happened with the prev mentioned friends
8)confused and moody about the prev matter
9) went back to netball. missed it.
10) spent my two weeks of hols gaming. which leaves me : /
11) Missed writing out my thoughts.

So please skip the post unless you happen to be one of the friends who stumbled upon this blog and you know me through LoL. As for my readers, I'm sorry this is the first matter but it's preying on my mind for days and I wanna get this outta of my system first.

So, a displeasure occurred among us the prev time we actually played together. Funny how it sprouted from the fact that we actually played AGAINST each other rather then the fact that we played WITH each other. Firstly, you guys had the power to ban the champs, so why complain about Pat's choice? You ban one of the champs which I'm better at, I've no comment. Banning tryn makes sense. But wtf?

You guys actually complain about Pat's choice after the whole matter? You also accuse us of dragging out the game when it was you guys fault. You all run each time we want to engage and sry but we are not idiots to run after you for a team clash. Ok, thanks to the dragging out, we gotta be forcibly surrendered. After the game, accusation starts to fly around.

Pat never wanted to lane against you but I couldn't handle you and he was the only viable choice. Then two or three days ago u three actually brought up the matter and accused him. I felt it was unreasonable for you to ask my bro to mind his own business. After all, he was also part of the game. Thanks for letting me see that part of you. No, my respect of you didn't drop that much but it was a harsh reminder that I do not know much of you at all. I don't know if the matter is resolved. It will probably haunt us (if there is an us in the future) next time but I dun wish to approach and work it out now. I'm juz too scared to rock the boat and face its consequences now.

I might be flippant about matters and act as if I'm fine. Heck, you might know from the games I play, that I dun hold grudges. But matters like this encroach on my mind. And if you all know how much I've thought about this matter, I think you won't be so dismissive of it. I really find that attack on Pat unfair and bad.

Second matter linked to this game is haiz. I know I'm not an exceptionally good player. Heck, I probably juz cross average or am average only. I know I'm only introduced to the game cuz sometimes you guys lack players. But it hurts to know that I'm not needed. I'm beginning to detest Maple cuz it pulls you guys to there. To a game other then this one. At first I thought, after the server check, everything will go back. Where you guys spend more time on LoL and not on Maple. I refuse to play Maple cuz I dun see the point of playing on another server. It really sucks to know that I'm only invited cuz u guys dun wanna go normal w/o a full team.

It is hurting to know that no one misses me despite the fact that I haven't been on Skype for two days. The fact that the closeness we had at the starting game is slowly dissipating. Vanishing into nothing. I really missed the days where we played together. Cuz nowadays, it doesn't have that special feeling anymore. And I really miss it.

Perhaps, you guys were too attentive to me when I first came in. Teaching me the ropes and playing a game whenever I want. Now you guys juz ignore me. Like I'm a painting on the wall which you see everyday. I never see the point of staying in that skype convo if all u guys are gonna talk about maple. It also sucks when my own brother can't even trust in my skills. Hello, I might still be counted new but I'm definitely still a gamer.

SOMEONE WHO PICKS UP SKILLS IN A GAME EASILY WHEN I'VE BEEN PLAYING IT FOR A MONTH OR TWO.

come on, have faith in me. =.= You might say I co-op too much. But I need the money and it isn't like I can normal and lose consecutively w/o feeling frustrated. You guys only go if there is a full team yet mapling takes up most of your time. It's been two whole days since I Skype but I doubt anyone even noticed I'm gone. Each time I logged on LoL and see you guys there. I'm still waiting. Waiting for someone to come and ask me what's wrong. To notice and do smth about my absence. Not to see you playing among yourselves. Even my own brother rather play with a group of strangers than me. I logged on Skype today for the first time in two days. and was faced with silence. I refused to join the call. But secretly harbor the hope that one of you will notice I log in and come to ask me. It's not like I'm Em, who doesn't talk. Did any of you noticed my voice was missing from the conversation?

Had the thought of "where's wy," cross any of your minds?

I refuse and am stubborn to be the one who relent. To be the one who cave into my urges to be part of smth. To hear your voices talking in Skype. To be the one who returns to be that pic hanging on the wall. If I have to bear loneliness as a result of not being in Skype. So be it. I'm not a toy which you can throw away after the novelty of it being new wears off. I rather walk away then get thrown away.

I might be making a mountain out of a molehill. I might be thinking too much. I might be taking this too serious. But this is my stand and I will stick with it. Even if I have to LoL alone. Even if I have to play the games myself. At first, you guys were so hyped that I was playing but now? You all respond to me yes but I'm not needed am I? I dunno where this road will lead but I will continue walking it for it's my path. One that I chosen and not one that was forged for me.

I'm so sorry that I got hooked on this game. I'm regretting ever meeting you guys. For hearing my bro besides me still Skyping pull on my heartstrings. I will stand strong and refuse to drop hints or wateva that sort to get ur attention. I WANT YOU ALL TO NOTICE ME W/O my interference. Juz to prove that I've a presence among the group. And not juz someone who is called upon to fill the slot which can be taken by anyone.

Sry for that two long paragraphs. I needed to type that out. Feeling a tad better though still confused. Feeling sleepy too. Guess i will continue blogging and posting my photos tmr or some sort. it's like 4am now. And I gotta wake at 7am later ._____.

To be continued....

28/6- cause it's related

Anyway, I had a funny way of ending my holiday. You know that last post where I was raging at my game's friends? I actually talked it out with one of them. Namely Pat.. Which probably doesn't make any sense to you cuz I didn't really say who is he in that last post. Not that I'm gonna start now.. Since the reason I keep a blog is to record my memories so that my future self can read it and go.. "Oh ya.. I remember that incident..." and take a trip down that memory lane. Anyway, like I say I talked it out with him. And it helped immensely (: I still have doubts over some of his words.. But looking on the bright side, he did help me lessen the heavy situation. I'm happy he said that I'm still carrying and that my Ashe is undervalued.. No, I'm not gonna read into it and drive myself crazy to discern if he said that cuz he meant that or cuz I needed to hear that. Think about it yes, drive myself crazy over that, no.

It's so strange that that one time I play so well that I amazed myself have to be queuing with him :P Yes, it's a potential of how I can play. Now all I gotta do is to make it so it become regular and not a one-time fluke. So, after talking out with him in Skype, about many matters ( THAT fight, my insecurities, the way the group treated me, Em) well.. I feel so much better. Thanks a lot. You really helped me.

Looking back at that few days which I flew solo, in a way it did help me. In ways that probably being under them, being with them, couldn't do. I learned how to judge when I could kill an opponent and get away with it, learnt the different ways people behaves, learn how to not expect people to do what I want, meet and made a new friend/teacher, how to enjoy myself and not care about my performances, get into skirmishes with my teammates and deal with it, learn how to judge a teammate's skill level within a few minutes into the game, learn how to cover a teammate's weakness. Basically, learn how to play WITHOUT them. Not that it's fantastic but I'm on the road of learning.

For some reason, playing with them, stresses me at times. Especially when they still can't trust me and blames me but refuses to say it out loud. Or when they aren't any better in the same game but doesn't fully believe that the fault also lies with them. I'm not sure if I will be playing with them any soon. ( The only reason I say this.. is cause Pat agreed to queue with me when he's online. At least I won't be so lonely (: )

Now, the next bone to gnaw on.. I'm v.sadded (not a word I know.) that the FIGHT actually caused a rift to happen between two of the most wonderful ppl I met since I played LoL. Em and Pat. According to my bro, they went real back even before he met them and they join his group of friends. And, while I always have this selfish tendency to be liked by the people I admired and to be one of their more impt friends, now that it happens, it's really upsetting.

According to Em, she said everything is fine/solved/okay (pick ur choice) between the two of them, her actions dun show them. No, I dunno if they still enter the same conversations,( how would I know if I dun enter any except when necessary?) I dunno if they still talk to each other in Maple (I dun even play that nowadays and wouldn't go back to Cass if possible.) Apparently, the two of them are old friends and good ones at that. I can tell, when I first entered LoL and Pat will not queue with us to queue with Em, when Pat asks Em for help with his hmwk, when we had conversation between the three of us and we talked a lot.

How can you expect me to believe your okay/fine/solved; if you are letting me invite him instead of you sending that invite when you can? If you aren't willing to wait 15 mins to queue with him? If you went for a second round w/o him so quickly that I didn't have time to protest and you knew that he wasn't busy at all? When I invited you back in for a third round together with him and you said you are gonna maple instead? With all these signs staring at me, how can you expect me to take what you said in face value?

One bad thing about the internet that I hate and love at the same time, the inability to hear the voice, to have some other hints to work from other than words that ppl typed. I've not a single idea if you are feeling the same as before to me when you converse with me. Or if you are angry, or tired or juz dun wanna kick a fuss. I do want to talk to you, to have a heart talk but unlike Pat, which I had an opening to do so, I actually let off my opening with you to converse with him. To reclaim, to find that appropriate time is not easy. Which is made harder by the time you spent in Maple. And I figure that the next chance for one, will probably be during the weekends, where I game the whole day to be able to catch you at the rarer times that you will be online in LoL and I'm able to use the computer far longer then weekdays. I'm thankful that you asked me for a game, even if it's co-op. Although it seemed a rift grew between us while I wasn't noticing too... I dunno how to bridge it even though I have a slight idea how to bridge urs and Pat's. I just hope, when I start laying down the foundations, it wouldn't push either of you further away from me. I hope I wouldn't be viewed as someone who doesn't mind her own business .________.

As for Pat's side, I figure that despite you being angry with her. It's human nature. All of us tend to look at the dirt, the flaws of someone that you are angry with. Instead of the pros that she/he have, all of us will look at the bad side of someone before actually thinking yea, I think she/he should be forgiven becuz she/he did these earlier. And yes Pat, I think your trust in her got tampered, got dented and you are hurt by her actions. But I don't think you should let both ur friendship remain like that.

Both of you talk it out yes. But that was a few days after the incident. Which makes u both wary about saying the wrong things which leads to the both of you of not saying what you truly want with that true intensity. I did, go through it before at both sides I believe. As the one getting accused and hurt and the other party, which has unintentionally accused.

Em, I might not show it but I like you a lot. Even more then the other players I've seen since playing LoL. Because 1) you are a gal. ( not that I know for a certain but I choose to believe you) 2) You are awesome (in any champs that you play, you owned. 'Nuff said. ) 3) You are fun (: (always joking and is willing to teach me) Yes, you are like an older sister to me. :D Albeit one whom I'd never met. But I wouldn't mind meeting (: Then again, I'm going too far in my thinking.

First, I gotta jump over this rift to be at the same land as you first no? :] Wait for me, cuz I will do it. I refuse to let this friendship fade to smth which barely resembles our conversations when we first met (: I refuse to lose your presence in my gaming life, which is happening slowly.. So, wait while I prepare my things/ammunition before attempting the jump~ And yes, cuz ur company is so worth it.

Hopefully, after I go with it with the only way I know how, we will be alright. That there won't be an uncomfortable silence when both of us play together. And while, preparing, I will still be constantly improving, so that one day, I will get to stand besides/near you with pride (: Which is in the future cuz ur matter with Pat have to be solved too.

Haha, I'm beginning to sound like Soi in an awkward r/s that she have with Yoru and she was the cause of it. But unlike Soi in the YoruSoi stories, I don't actually have any romantic tendencies to Em :P

Anyway, I will continue to train with Pat. So hopefully, this two prong attack, I will be able to push you two to talk honestly and plainly. W/o hiding behind any excuse.. And hopefully, it will go according to plan, or any improvised steps..